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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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College Graduates Making 8% to 11% Less

According to the Economic Policy Institute, female college graduates are making 7.6 percent less than they did 10 years ago, while their male counterparts are making 11 percent less. What do you think?

  • "It's not like 2002, when a guy could graduate from a liberal arts college and just watch the money roll in."

    Jenn Serreo Systems Analyst
  • "Maybe they're just not joining the right frats."

    David King Door Assembler
  • "My kids had all the toys, clothing, and gadgets they wanted. Elmo on TV told them how special they were. I even hid the death of our family dog from them. Now it's time to throw them into the deep end of the pool and see if they can swim."

    Ward Dee Hydrographer

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