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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Colorado Football Under Fire

In a growing scandal, several women have charged that they were raped by football players at the University of Colorado. What do you think?
  • "This is going to negatively affect the entire Colorado athletic department. I wish people would think before they let the rape

    Pamela King Florist
  • "See? See? One breast is flashed at a football game and the whole sport goes into the gutter."

    Eric Scott AV Technician
  • "This is what happens when you tell people to give 110 percent."

    Anna Baker Bill Collector
  • "As an athlete, all I can say is that all this sex talk is making me want to go rape someone."

    Anthony Benkes Athlete
  • "I heard that some Colorado Buffaloes raped some women and was absolutely horrified. But it turned out it's the name of their fo

    Joshua Hall Systems Analyst
  • "What happened to the good old days of college football, when you never heard about things like this happening, even though they

    Gregory Carter Orchestrator

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