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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Colorado Shooter Being Evicted

Eviction proceedings were formally brought against accused Aurora, CO gunman James Holmes on Wednesday, with his landlord citing the tenant’s murder of 12 theatergoers, damage to the premises, and rigging of multiple explosive devices in the apartment as violations of his lease. What do you think?

  • “This is a pretty convenient excuse for his landlord to hold onto that security deposit.”

    Rusty Novotny Liquid-Sugar Melter
  • “I’m with the landlord on this one, especially if he walked around making bombs all night with his shoes on. There’s nothing worse than that.”

    Kerri Creber Systems Analyst
  • “Yeah, my landlord’s a dick, too.”

    Fritz Jacobson Music Therapist

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