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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Colorado, Washington Legalize Marijuana

Voters in Colorado and Washington state adopted ballot measures yesterday that will legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use by anyone 21 years of age or older, although the drug remains prohibited under federal law. What do you think?

  • “Legal? I don’t want it anymore.”

    Koko Loveday Toll Bridge Attendant
  • “Getting those measures on the ballot and convincing voters to support them took hundreds of hours of hard work by the pro-legalization movement. I just hope they can somehow find a way to relax now that it’s over with.”

    Clarence Montuno Systems Analyst
  • “Just think about it, man. How can something be legal and illegal at the same time? Whoa!”

    Brian Janosch Food Delivery Person
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