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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Colorado, Washington Legalize Marijuana

Voters in Colorado and Washington state adopted ballot measures yesterday that will legalize possession of marijuana for recreational use by anyone 21 years of age or older, although the drug remains prohibited under federal law. What do you think?

  • “Legal? I don’t want it anymore.”

    Koko Loveday Toll Bridge Attendant
  • “Getting those measures on the ballot and convincing voters to support them took hundreds of hours of hard work by the pro-legalization movement. I just hope they can somehow find a way to relax now that it’s over with.”

    Clarence Montuno Systems Analyst
  • “Just think about it, man. How can something be legal and illegal at the same time? Whoa!”

    Brian Janosch Food Delivery Person

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