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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Combat Aircraft Converted To Biofuel

The U.S. military successfully tested a "Warthog" A10 Thunderbolt II that was modified to run on a mix of aviation fuel and a fuel made from the plant Camelina. What do you think?

  • "Now we can start pulling our troops out of the oil-drenched Middle East and focus on the world's real menace, the dastardly regimes of Camelina-rich Central Asia."

    Cal Rooney Nutrition Educator
  • "And what color will the pilots' new dresses be?"

    Beth Reid Graphologist
  • "Planes run on fuel? Man, I have a lot to learn before I understand what's going on here."

    Victor Johnson Alloy Weigher

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