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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Combat Service Doubles Suicide Risk

A report in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health states that white men who served in combat in the U.S. armed forces are twice as likely to die by their own hands as non-veterans. What do you think?
  • "Clearly there has to be a better screening process to keep these lunatics out of the military."

    Ariel Langhorne Draftsperson
  • "If they're going to kill themselves anyway, they should at least sign up for another tour."

    Dale Tyler Systems Analyst
  • "We need more morale-boosting USO shows immediately. Where's that Wynonna Judd and Chuck Norris?"

    Jared Palmer Busboy
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