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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Comcast To Acquire Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion

The nation’s biggest cable television operator Comcast announced this morning that they have agreed to buy number-two provider Time Warner Cable for $45.2 billion in stock, bringing their total customer base to more than 30 million. What do you think?

  • “Shut up, no they didn’t. Don’t just lie to my face like that.”

    Jason Ross Systems Analyst
  • “You mean I can get all of the blazing-fast speeds of Comcast coupled with the dependability of Time Warner Cable?”

    Rebecca LaFlure Wedding Planner
  • “Does the FCC really want one cable provider to have such a major influence in the last few remaining years of people needing a cable provider?”

    Ben Harries Hypnotherapist
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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