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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Comcast To Acquire Time Warner Cable For $45 Billion

The nation’s biggest cable television operator Comcast announced this morning that they have agreed to buy number-two provider Time Warner Cable for $45.2 billion in stock, bringing their total customer base to more than 30 million. What do you think?

  • “Shut up, no they didn’t. Don’t just lie to my face like that.”

    Jason Ross Systems Analyst
  • “You mean I can get all of the blazing-fast speeds of Comcast coupled with the dependability of Time Warner Cable?”

    Rebecca LaFlure Wedding Planner
  • “Does the FCC really want one cable provider to have such a major influence in the last few remaining years of people needing a cable provider?”

    Ben Harries Hypnotherapist

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