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Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Comet Could Light Up Sky In Northern Hemisphere

The comet ISON will fly close to the sun on Thursday, and if it manages to survive without being ripped apart, astronomers say the celestial body could produce a brilliant spectacle in the Northern Hemisphere that’s visible to the naked eye throughout December. What do you think?

  • “Just further proof that the Northern Hemisphere is the best.”

    Bradley Stapleton Chess Grandmaster
  • “Get back to me when they know for sure. There’s no way I’m looking out my window for nothing.”

    Annamaria Mullan Systems Analyst
  • “Brilliant or not, I’d rather not have anything draw the eye away from my new rain gutters.”

    Dalton Vogel Software Developer

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