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Politics

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Commemorating Reagan's 100th

Sunday marked the 100th birthday of the late President Ronald Wilson Reagan. How did you remember him?

  • "I thought it would be a nice gesture to set aside my personal prejudices for the day and sell a shit ton of weapons to some Iranian dude."

    Adam Rubenstein Arms Dealer
  • "I spent exorbitant sums of money I didn't have but then convinced my family how important it is to live within our means."

    Ceecee Bryan Budget Officer
  • "I'm really too young to remember much about Ronald Reagan, but I haven't let that stop me from elevating him to Messiah-like status."

    Lawrence Bakija Student

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