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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Commerce Secretary Involved In Hit-And-Run

U.S. commerce secretary John Bryson was involved in a hit-and-run in Los Angeles when his vehicle struck a car stopped at a train tracks. What do you think?

  • "To think Bryson came to office promising that no one would ever hear of him."

    Mike Williams Tray Packer
  • "This was a bad stunt to pull in an election year. Just hold off until November, and then you can kill as many people as you want."

    Rona Calvert Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, Jesus, the commerce secretary? I was planning on buying and selling goods like crazy this week. Am I totally fucked?”

    Will Sterling Grating-Machine Operator

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