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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Company Lets Customers Send Dead Pets’ Ashes To Space

Celestis, a Houston company that has offered a service called “Earth Rise” since 1997 that sends cremated human remains to space, is now extending the same service to deceased pets, allowing pet owners to launch their pets’ ashes into space in a small memorial capsule and then receive it as a keepsake once it falls back to earth, for a cost of $12,500. What do you think?

  • “It’s about time the private sector took over the task of sending dead animals into space.”

    James Wilkinson Hedge Trimmer
  • “Good to know I can keep spending way too much money on my pets even after they die.”

    Robert Davies Light Bulb Replacer
  • “Joke’s on you, Celestis. Those were my brother’s ashes. I only paid the pet rate!”

    Janet Thompson Futon Designer
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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