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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Company Lets Customers Send Dead Pets’ Ashes To Space

Celestis, a Houston company that has offered a service called “Earth Rise” since 1997 that sends cremated human remains to space, is now extending the same service to deceased pets, allowing pet owners to launch their pets’ ashes into space in a small memorial capsule and then receive it as a keepsake once it falls back to earth, for a cost of $12,500. What do you think?

  • “It’s about time the private sector took over the task of sending dead animals into space.”

    James Wilkinson Hedge Trimmer
  • “Good to know I can keep spending way too much money on my pets even after they die.”

    Robert Davies Light Bulb Replacer
  • “Joke’s on you, Celestis. Those were my brother’s ashes. I only paid the pet rate!”

    Janet Thompson Futon Designer

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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