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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Company To Offer Balloon Rides To Edge Of Space

An Arizona-based company called World View Enterprises says it will offer rides to the edge of space in a capsule carried by a helium balloon at a price of $75,000 per person. What do you think?

  • “I would be freaking out until I reminded myself that the safest form of travel is helium balloon rides.”

    Kirk Otero Light Bulb Tester
  • “Is the balloon normal or Garfield-shaped?”

    Bennie Kopp Stained Glass Glazier
  • “But what if the balloon pops? Some sweet animal will try to eat it and choke to death.”

    Erin Lafferty Hydrometer Calibrator

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