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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’

A company called Osmosis Skincare has developed an ingestible sunscreen called UV-Neutralized Harmonized Water, which allegedly provides SPF 30 protection by making water molecules beneath the skin “vibrate” to cancel out harmful rays. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a sunscreen I can drink without shame.”

    Randal Cohle Systems Analyst
  • “I can’t wait to ask a hottie at the beach if he can help me out by pouring some UV-Neutralized Harmonized Water down my throat.”

    Tory Monaghan Multimedia Artist
  • “Can I still wear my sunglasses, or do I have to eat those, too?”

    Jackson Dunn Police Dispatcher

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