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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Company Unveils ‘Drinkable Sunscreen’

A company called Osmosis Skincare has developed an ingestible sunscreen called UV-Neutralized Harmonized Water, which allegedly provides SPF 30 protection by making water molecules beneath the skin “vibrate” to cancel out harmful rays. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a sunscreen I can drink without shame.”

    Randal Cohle Systems Analyst
  • “I can’t wait to ask a hottie at the beach if he can help me out by pouring some UV-Neutralized Harmonized Water down my throat.”

    Tory Monaghan Multimedia Artist
  • “Can I still wear my sunglasses, or do I have to eat those, too?”

    Jackson Dunn Police Dispatcher

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