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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Company Using Magnets To Clean Up Space Debris

A Singaporean company has announced plans to use special, magnetic satellites to dispose of man-made debris in orbit around the earth. What do you think?

  • “I thought the whole point of space being infinite was to use it as a landfill.”

    Lauren Supley Patent Troll
  • “That pig John Glenn sure left a fucking mess up there.”

    Adam Kelin Small Game Hunter
  • “And they said garbagemen would never play among the stars.”

    Burt Salisbury Amateur Greeter

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