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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Computer Countdown To '00

There is widespread fear among computer experts that the turn of the millennium will create vast problems, as computers across the world—programmed with only the last two digits of a year—will mistake 2000 for 1900. What do you think?
  • "I pray that a solution is found. What will happen to my Ms. Pac Man high scores?"

    David Charbonneau Carpet Salesman
  • "I hope this problem won't affect the hovering space cars we'll be driving in 2000."

    Robyn Lipman Systems Analyst
  • "My computer went all crazy on me the other day. But I think it was because I ejaculated all over the keyboard."

    Wally Putnam Landscaper
  • "Without a computer, how will I speak to my friends in Japan, order a bouquet of roses and help my son with his report on dinosaurs?"

    Rachel Stryzinski Librarian
  • "In just three years, William McKinley will lead the country, the auto-mobile fad will be in full swing, and I shall sport a jaunty boater cap and wax my moustache!"

    Pete Mortman Choir Director
  • "Open the pod bay doors, Hal... Hal? I won't argue with you, Hal!"

    Mitchell Jessup Chemical Engineer
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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