Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

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Vol 43 Issue 09

NFL Combine Highlights

With the NFL draft combine in the books, Onion Sports takes a closer look at some of the more notable performances:

Cheney Nearly Bombed

At least nine people have died in a suicide bombing at a U.S. base in Afghanistan during Vice President Dick Cheney's stay. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

A computer error fueled a panic at the already jittery New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, causing stocks to fall further. What do you think?
  • "I was fooled by the glitch and tried to sell off my portfolio, but luckily I couldn't get my broker on the phone because he shot himself in the head. Whew!"

    Robin Feil
    Systems Analyst
  • "That's the last straw. I'm taking my money out of stocks right now and putting it toward a hot dog."

    Jordan Dixon
    Non-Profit Fundraiser
  • "If anyone could handle a stock-exchange computer glitch, it's those calm, composed Wall Street traders."

    Jonathan Edgerton
    Tour Guide
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