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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Computer Crash Affects Dow Jones

A computer error fueled a panic at the already jittery New York Stock Exchange Tuesday, causing stocks to fall further. What do you think?
  • "I was fooled by the glitch and tried to sell off my portfolio, but luckily I couldn't get my broker on the phone because he shot himself in the head. Whew!"

    Robin Feil Systems Analyst
  • "That's the last straw. I'm taking my money out of stocks right now and putting it toward a hot dog."

    Jordan Dixon Non-Profit Fundraiser
  • "If anyone could handle a stock-exchange computer glitch, it's those calm, composed Wall Street traders."

    Jonathan Edgerton Tour Guide

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