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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

Between 1994 and 2006, acute injuries from computers have risen 800 percent. What do you think?
  • "I've always known information was harmful."

    Susan Clancy Child Caregiver
  • "By contrast, I operate a sewing machine 16 hours a day and only grow stronger."

    Rodney Shepard Strong-Willed Tailor
  • "We should be thankful that these injuries have increased eightfold, as eight is the luckiest of all numbers."

    Dennis Townsend Driver Of A Bus
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