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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Computer Injuries Sharply Increase

Between 1994 and 2006, acute injuries from computers have risen 800 percent. What do you think?
  • "I've always known information was harmful."

    Susan Clancy Child Caregiver
  • "By contrast, I operate a sewing machine 16 hours a day and only grow stronger."

    Rodney Shepard Strong-Willed Tailor
  • "We should be thankful that these injuries have increased eightfold, as eight is the luckiest of all numbers."

    Dennis Townsend Driver Of A Bus

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