Computer Makers Die More

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Computer Makers Die More

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?
  • "Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses."

    Ken Glaser
    Landscape Architect
  • "Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card."

    Jessica LaGrange
    Systems Analyst
  • "Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man."

    Alex Beerman
    Store Clerk