Computer Makers Die More

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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  • Doctors Recommend Getting 8 Centuries Of Cryosleep

    STANFORD, CA—Claiming that the practice is essential for effectively recharging the body and waking fully rested and alert, doctors at Stanford University issued a report Monday emphasizing the importance of getting at least eight centuries of atomi...

Computer Makers Die More

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?
  • "Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses."

    Ken Glaser
    Landscape Architect
  • "Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card."

    Jessica LaGrange
    Systems Analyst
  • "Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man."

    Alex Beerman
    Store Clerk
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