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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Computer Makers Die More

Death rates among people who work building computers are considerably higher than the rest of the population. What do you think?
  • "Great. So when the computers turn against us, there won't be anyone alive who knows their weaknesses."

    Ken Glaser Landscape Architect
  • "Jeez, now I feel bad about upgrading to the arsenic graphics card."

    Jessica LaGrange Systems Analyst
  • "Man, you can't do anything fun anymore without getting cancer. No smoking, no working in computer factories, no handling beryllium or beryllium compounds, no nothing, man."

    Alex Beerman Store Clerk

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