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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Computer Passes Turing Test, Successfully Impersonates Human

A computer program in the U.K. has arguably passed the famous Turing test, an evaluation to determine whether machines can be considered to have artificial intelligence, by convincing one-third of a judging panel that they were chatting with a 13-year-old Ukrainian boy. What do you think?

  • “Kudos to the programmers, who not only passed the Turing test, but somehow persuaded people to chat with a 13-year-old boy in the first place.”

    Tom O’Neill Lightswitch Tester
  • “Great ruse, since I can’t think of a single question to ask about present-day Ukraine to try to stump it.”

    Adam Felber Laboratory Assistant
  • “We all knew the day would come when computers would usurp the position of 13-year-old Ukrainian boys in our society.”

    Jeanne Simpson Kiln Operator

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