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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Computer Passes Turing Test, Successfully Impersonates Human

A computer program in the U.K. has arguably passed the famous Turing test, an evaluation to determine whether machines can be considered to have artificial intelligence, by convincing one-third of a judging panel that they were chatting with a 13-year-old Ukrainian boy. What do you think?

  • “Kudos to the programmers, who not only passed the Turing test, but somehow persuaded people to chat with a 13-year-old boy in the first place.”

    Tom O’Neill Lightswitch Tester
  • “Great ruse, since I can’t think of a single question to ask about present-day Ukraine to try to stump it.”

    Adam Felber Laboratory Assistant
  • “We all knew the day would come when computers would usurp the position of 13-year-old Ukrainian boys in our society.”

    Jeanne Simpson Kiln Operator

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