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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Computer Virus May Be Blasting AC/DC In Iran

A new computer virus that targets Iran’s nuclear facilities is believed to be causing AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” to blast at full volume from Iranian scientists’ workstations in the middle of the night. What do you think?

  • “My God, someone has hijacked AC/DC’s art and turned it into a weapon.”

    Brendan Mulcahy Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, yeah, I think those assholes at WZBB have the same virus.”

    Fletcher Holic Gunsmith
  • “AC/DC is a good start. Then, slowly, they can be introduced to Boston, then some Rush, then Judas Priest, and then on to Mötorhead, after which they’ll be so enlightened that they’ll discontinue any nuclear weapons program.”

    Brittany Tobias Salvage Inspector

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