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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Conan To Join TBS

Atlanta cable broadcast company TBS announced Monday a new weeknight schedule in which George Lopez will move to midnight and a new Conan O'Brien talk show will air at 11 p.m. What do you think?

  • "I don't think I like this new Conan. Old Conan wouldn't be pushing Latinos around on basic cable."

    Kay Efimov Receiving-Tank Operator
  • "That's great, because when you think of TBS, you think of comedy. Well, you think of repeated Shawshank Redemption airings first, then the Atlanta Braves, but then you think of comedy."

    Darren Bell Impregnator Operator
  • "Seriously? I thought Conan had to go to jail for a year."

    Bert Abramsky Systems Analyst
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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