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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Conan’s 'Tonight' Debut

Former Late Night host Conan O'Brien took over helming duties of the venerable Tonight Show from Jay Leno last night. What do you think?
  • "I'm not allowed to stay up to watch The Tonight Show. Yes, my parents are dead now, but I felt obligated to continue the tradition."

    Ritchie Scharffenburger Automotive Undercoater
  • "I'm happy about the potential of seeing a Masturbating Bear segment following a George Gobel clip on the Tonight Show 60th Anniversary special."

    Debbie Kaufman Nitroglycerine Distributor
  • "Wait, who are they going to get to replace Conan on Late Night then?"

    Jake Weingarten Gear-Coding Machine Operator

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