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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority."

    Michael Mota Computer Programmer
  • "These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself."

    Ross Mankowitz Systems Analyst
  • "As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts."

    Angela Juergens Librarian
  • "There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef."

    Jonathan Murphy Taxi Driver
  • "To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees."

    Liz Pistone Dietitian
  • "We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms."

    Frank Vitolo Waiter

More from this section

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

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