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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority."

    Michael Mota Computer Programmer
  • "These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself."

    Ross Mankowitz Systems Analyst
  • "As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts."

    Angela Juergens Librarian
  • "There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef."

    Jonathan Murphy Taxi Driver
  • "To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees."

    Liz Pistone Dietitian
  • "We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms."

    Frank Vitolo Waiter
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