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Concern Over Tainted Beef

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority."

    Michael Mota
    Computer Programmer
  • "These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself."

    Ross Mankowitz
    Systems Analyst
  • "As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts."

    Angela Juergens
    Librarian
  • "There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef."

    Jonathan Murphy
    Taxi Driver
  • "To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees."

    Liz Pistone
    Dietitian
  • "We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms."

    Frank Vitolo
    Waiter

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