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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority."

    Michael Mota Computer Programmer
  • "These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself."

    Ross Mankowitz Systems Analyst
  • "As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts."

    Angela Juergens Librarian
  • "There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef."

    Jonathan Murphy Taxi Driver
  • "To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees."

    Liz Pistone Dietitian
  • "We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms."

    Frank Vitolo Waiter
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