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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Concern Over Tainted Beef

Despite the efforts of the FDA, tainted-beef scares, including cases of e-coli-related illness and death, persist in the U.S. What do you think?
  • "Clinton has got to start making the quality of our nation's patties a top priority."

    Michael Mota Computer Programmer
  • "These days you just can't trust beef slaughtered by anyone but yourself."

    Ross Mankowitz Systems Analyst
  • "As a vegetarian, I laugh at the problems of you evil meat-eaters. My lifestyle is infinitely superior, except for my intolerable self-righteousness and constant barrage of lentil farts."

    Angela Juergens Librarian
  • "There's got to be a way to monitor the quality of feces going into our beef."

    Jonathan Murphy Taxi Driver
  • "To ensure that our meat is safe at home, I put it in the oven for eight weeks at 725 degrees."

    Liz Pistone Dietitian
  • "We can easily avoid all these problems by eating meat substitutes like Steak-Umms."

    Frank Vitolo Waiter
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