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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Confederate-Flag Controversy

On Jan. 17, more than 47,000 people marched on South Carolina's Statehouse to protest the flying of the Confederate flag over the capitol dome. What do you think about the presence of what many consider an emblem of slavery?
  • "As a Southerner, I simply want to display the Confederate flag as an important symbol of my heritage and history. My hatred of niggers has nothing to do with it."

    Jesse Lee Willis Auto Mechanic
  • "Hasn't South Carolina learned anything since the days of the Civil War? On second thought, I think I'd rather not know the answer to that question."

    Anthony Banks Systems Analyst
  • "If they can still fly the Nazi flag over the capitol in Berlin, South Carolina should have the right to fly the Stars and Bars. What? When did that happen?"

    Denise Schourek Massage Therapist
  • "It is unconscionable that, in this day and age, that ugly symbol of racism is painted on the roof of the General Lee. Sheriff Roscoe should teach them Duke boys a lesson."

    Oscar Haney Delivery Driver
  • "I'm from the South, my daddy's from the South, and my daddy's daddy's from the South. All three of us are from the South."

    Knox Williams Banker
  • "If I were a citizen of South Carolina, I'd be deeply ashamed. Now, what's this about a flag?"

    Irene Lewis Actuary
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