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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Confederate Flag Controversy

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years to remove the image from its state flag. What do you think of the continued use of this Civil War symbol?
  • "If you remove the Confederate symbol from the Georgia state flag, you only give it more power. Like when they took the Swastika off the New Hampshire flag."

    Jill Wagner Opthamologist
  • "Dixie flags went out a long time ago. Now my dorm room has a huge Pantera flag with a big fuckin' bud on it."

    Jerome Vickers Student
  • "I once saw a stripper who wore a Confederate flag. But not for long..."

    Louis Reinhard Mailman
  • "Why can't people see both sides of this slavery issue?"

    Ivan DeJesus Systems Analyst
  • "I think the Confederate flag is pretty. It has nothing to do with slavery or prejudice or any of that stuff. Although I do hate blacks."

    Pete Pappas Reference Librarian
  • "Ah don' know nuthin' about no flag, but looky at this here dress I done cut from a flour sack!"

    Colleen Dawes Civil Engineer

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