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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Confederate Flag Controversy

South Carolina came under fire recently for flying the Confederate flag over its state capitol, and Georgia has been under pressure for several years to remove the image from its state flag. What do you think of the continued use of this Civil War symbol?
  • "If you remove the Confederate symbol from the Georgia state flag, you only give it more power. Like when they took the Swastika off the New Hampshire flag."

    Jill Wagner Opthamologist
  • "Dixie flags went out a long time ago. Now my dorm room has a huge Pantera flag with a big fuckin' bud on it."

    Jerome Vickers Student
  • "I once saw a stripper who wore a Confederate flag. But not for long..."

    Louis Reinhard Mailman
  • "Why can't people see both sides of this slavery issue?"

    Ivan DeJesus Systems Analyst
  • "I think the Confederate flag is pretty. It has nothing to do with slavery or prejudice or any of that stuff. Although I do hate blacks."

    Pete Pappas Reference Librarian
  • "Ah don' know nuthin' about no flag, but looky at this here dress I done cut from a flour sack!"

    Colleen Dawes Civil Engineer

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