Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

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Vol 46 Issue 30

Several NBA Teams Interested In Shaq As A Person

NEW YORK—Officials from the Hawks, Celtics, and Heat expressed interest in Shaquille O'Neal as a person Wednesday, confirming league rumors that they believed the free agent center would be highly suitable for a long-term friendship.

New Robot Capable Of Unhealthily Repressing Emotion

PITTSBURGH—Announcing a crucial breakthrough in the effort to create machines that accurately simulate human behavior, researchers at Carnegie Mellon University said Monday they had built the first robot with the capacity to suppress its emotions.
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    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Congress Rolls Back Crack Sentencing

The U.S. Congress passed legislation reducing the disparity of sentencing for crack cocaine possession versus powder cocaine from 100:1 to 18:1. What do you think?

  • "But that was half the fun of doing crack!"

    Cathy Sytsevich
    Systems Analyst
  • "Thank God President Reagan isn't alive to see this."

    Ryan Gargan
    Dip-Lube Operator
  • "Fine, I'll answer, this is a great first step toward introducing some common sense into our nation's drug laws. Now, do you want to buy some crack or not?"

    Albert Manfredi
    Importer
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