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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Congressional Filibusters

Some people view the filibuster as a vital democratic tool, but others see it as an unnecessary impediment to legislative progress. What do you think?
  • "Wait—wouldn't the Democrats be able to filibuster the bill to change the filibustering rules?"

    Lillie Moon Doctor
  • "I think it's time America moved past this 'checks and balances' idea and fully embraced our 'unlimited line of credit' society."

    Louis Knapp Probation Officer
  • "The filibuster, eh? That reminds me of the baking-powder biscuits my dear old grandmother used to make. First, she'd take shortening... Now, keep in mind, the more shortening you use, the flakier the biscuits will be. My, all of us kids used to love Timothy Landry Systems Analyst

  • "I use filibusters in my day-to-day life. They help you get out of all kinds of stuff, like taking out the garbage or having children."

    Gordon Richmond Plumber
  • "Do filibusters have anything to do with the word 'quorum'? Because I totally remember that word, too."

    Derek Meadows Factory Operator
  • "I'm not positive where I stand on filibusters, but as a longtime proponent of 'less talk, more rock,' I assume I'm against them."

    Viola Ellison Fashion Designer

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