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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Congressman: Pregnancy Rarely Results From 'Legitimate Rape'

During an interview yesterday, Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), who is currently locked in a heated Senate race, said that women rarely become pregnant in cases of "legitimate rape" because "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." What do you think?

  • “I’m sure he’s very sorry and what he meant to say was nothing at all.”

    John Kazan Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, yeah, the shutting-it-down trick! How could billions of us all have forgotten that exists?”

    Melinda Suchet Abrasive Grinder
  • “When are women going to face the fact that they don’t know their own bodies as well as men who have heard things?”

    Don Langrick Bonsai Culturist

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