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Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Congressman Resigns Over “Unwanted” Sexual Incident

Amid accusations he sexually assaulted an 18-year-old, Rep. David Wu (D-OR) announced he would resign as soon as debt-ceiling negotiations were complete. What do you think?

  • “It’s a good thing he’s staying for a little while. A sexual predator is exactly the kind of sane, reasoned voice we need right now.”

    Chris Bateman Meat Packer
  • “Portland is a forgiving place. Go buy a few rounds of Pabst, build a couple skate parks, and you should be fine.”

    Matt Shrimpton Lapping Machine Operator
  • “So he actually touched her? Good—for a while there I was beginning to worry all analog sexual harassment had been replaced by the Internet.”

    Bex Besser Machine Setter

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