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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into the Mystic River. What do you think?

  • “But if that lobster goes out and commits violent rape, it could cost this guy the next election.”

    Blake Guenther Intelligence Specialist
  • “Sadly, when that lobster gets home, he’s going to find an entire underwater town that’s moved on without him.”

    Shelly Woodson Dancing Instructor
  • “Finally, someone delivers on a campaign promise.”

    Marques Opad Ambulance Driver
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