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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into the Mystic River. What do you think?

  • “But if that lobster goes out and commits violent rape, it could cost this guy the next election.”

    Blake Guenther Intelligence Specialist
  • “Sadly, when that lobster gets home, he’s going to find an entire underwater town that’s moved on without him.”

    Shelly Woodson Dancing Instructor
  • “Finally, someone delivers on a campaign promise.”

    Marques Opad Ambulance Driver

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