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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Connecticut Governor Pardons Lobster

While visiting southeastern Connecticut tourist attractions yesterday, Gov. Dan Malloy officially pardoned a 15-pound lobster at a Noank, CT restaurant and then released it into the Mystic River. What do you think?

  • “But if that lobster goes out and commits violent rape, it could cost this guy the next election.”

    Blake Guenther Intelligence Specialist
  • “Sadly, when that lobster gets home, he’s going to find an entire underwater town that’s moved on without him.”

    Shelly Woodson Dancing Instructor
  • “Finally, someone delivers on a campaign promise.”

    Marques Opad Ambulance Driver

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