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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Conservative Teens

Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand my teenage son. He's always locked in the bathroom with that damn Ann Coulter book."

    Audrey Mitchell Caterer
  • "Who can blame them, what with all the conservative video games they're playing?"

    Fannie Whitton Tailor
  • "Does this new conservatism preclude them from going wild, either now or at some point in the future?"

    Randy Kimura Clerk
  • "I did find it strange that my daughter's prom song was 'Hail To The Chief.'"

    Kenneth Mann Systems Analyst
  • "Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media."

    John Zimmerman City Planner
  • "I don't know who these teens are, but they certainly aren't the ones e-mailing me about their web sites."

    Jimmy McCourt Dog Walker

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