Conservative Teens

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New York City Abuzz Over New Resident

NEW YORK—With word spreading rapidly through office towers, apartment buildings, and across all five boroughs, sources confirmed Friday that New Yorkers were abuzz over reports that a new resident had moved to the city.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2014

ARIES: Your belief that nothing can stop you will be tested this week by depression, procrastination, concrete barriers, dysentery, armed gunmen, and the unanimous passage of several laws targeted specifically at stopping you.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Conservative Teens

Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand my teenage son. He's always locked in the bathroom with that damn Ann Coulter book."

    Audrey Mitchell
    Caterer
  • "Who can blame them, what with all the conservative video games they're playing?"

    Fannie Whitton
    Tailor
  • "Does this new conservatism preclude them from going wild, either now or at some point in the future?"

    Randy Kimura
    Clerk
  • "I did find it strange that my daughter's prom song was 'Hail To The Chief.'"

    Kenneth Mann
    Systems Analyst
  • "Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media."

    John Zimmerman
    City Planner
  • "I don't know who these teens are, but they certainly aren't the ones e-mailing me about their web sites."

    Jimmy McCourt
    Dog Walker
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