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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Conservative Teens

Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand my teenage son. He's always locked in the bathroom with that damn Ann Coulter book."

    Audrey Mitchell Caterer
  • "Who can blame them, what with all the conservative video games they're playing?"

    Fannie Whitton Tailor
  • "Does this new conservatism preclude them from going wild, either now or at some point in the future?"

    Randy Kimura Clerk
  • "I did find it strange that my daughter's prom song was 'Hail To The Chief.'"

    Kenneth Mann Systems Analyst
  • "Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media."

    John Zimmerman City Planner
  • "I don't know who these teens are, but they certainly aren't the ones e-mailing me about their web sites."

    Jimmy McCourt Dog Walker
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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