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Conservative Teens

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Surprises

Conservative Teens

Recent surveys show that today's teens are more conservative than the previous generation on issues like abortion and drug use. What do you think?
  • "I don't understand my teenage son. He's always locked in the bathroom with that damn Ann Coulter book."

    Audrey Mitchell
    Caterer
  • "Who can blame them, what with all the conservative video games they're playing?"

    Fannie Whitton
    Tailor
  • "Does this new conservatism preclude them from going wild, either now or at some point in the future?"

    Randy Kimura
    Clerk
  • "I did find it strange that my daughter's prom song was 'Hail To The Chief.'"

    Kenneth Mann
    Systems Analyst
  • "Of course teens are conservative. They're rebelling against the liberal bias that controls the media."

    John Zimmerman
    City Planner
  • "I don't know who these teens are, but they certainly aren't the ones e-mailing me about their web sites."

    Jimmy McCourt
    Dog Walker

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