adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Conservatives Believe In Science Less

A new study published in the American Sociological Review found today’s conservatives have less trust in science than the conservatives of the mid-1970s. What do you think?

  • "Of course they do, when scientists go around saying crazy things like a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of gold."

    Darren Hart Diamond Mounter
  • "Maybe science should go back to bringing us less of the AIDS and climate change, and more of the polio vaccines and atom bombs."

    Rick Pearlman Wharf Attendant
  • "The saddest part is they'll never even believe this study."

    Reyna Shoaib Unemployed

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close