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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Conservatives Believe In Science Less

A new study published in the American Sociological Review found today’s conservatives have less trust in science than the conservatives of the mid-1970s. What do you think?

  • "Of course they do, when scientists go around saying crazy things like a pound of feathers weighs the same as a pound of gold."

    Darren Hart Diamond Mounter
  • "Maybe science should go back to bringing us less of the AIDS and climate change, and more of the polio vaccines and atom bombs."

    Rick Pearlman Wharf Attendant
  • "The saddest part is they'll never even believe this study."

    Reyna Shoaib Unemployed

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