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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Conservatives Rule Canada

Stephen Harper and his Conservative Party ousted Liberal Party incumbent Paul Martin in general elections. What do you think?
  • "If the Republicans win in '08, I guess I'll be moving to Mexico."

    Jesse Robins Forge Operator
  • "As a Montrealer, I hope that our new prime minister relaxes the harsh mandatory English-French bilingualism requirements. En tant que Canadien, j'espère que notre nouveau premier ministre détend les conditions anglo-français obligatoires de bilinguisme."

    Roger Gastineau Helicopter Technician
  • "Once again, those losers in Canada are years behind us. Hey, assholes, Ugg boots are out, just so you know."

    Lauren Hale Blogger
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