adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Conspiracy Theories Mathematically Tested

Mathematicians at Oxford have devised an equation that measures the “lifespan” of a conspiracy theory before it would realistically become exposed to the public, finding that if a given theory is not substantiated within four years, the widely accepted version of events is all but certain to be true. What do you think?

  • “Interesting. Do you have any additional literature on this topic that I could pass out on the train?”

    Wendy Longeran Cubist Landscaper
  • “I’ve always suspected the field of mathematics was in on it.”

    Chet Morse Lunch Reviewer
  • “True, although this study fails to point out that sunspots and satellite trajectories are also determining factors.”

    David Doogan Script Supervisor

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close