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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Conspiracy Theories Mathematically Tested

Mathematicians at Oxford have devised an equation that measures the “lifespan” of a conspiracy theory before it would realistically become exposed to the public, finding that if a given theory is not substantiated within four years, the widely accepted version of events is all but certain to be true. What do you think?

  • “Interesting. Do you have any additional literature on this topic that I could pass out on the train?”

    Wendy Longeran Cubist Landscaper
  • “I’ve always suspected the field of mathematics was in on it.”

    Chet Morse Lunch Reviewer
  • “True, although this study fails to point out that sunspots and satellite trajectories are also determining factors.”

    David Doogan Script Supervisor

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