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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Consumers Blast Pepsi iPhone App

People are raising objections to a new iPhone application from Pepsi that offers to help men seduce women, then keep a "Brag List" they can share with friends. What do you think?
  • "If you can't tell your friends about it, why else would you endure sex?"

    Susan Torgerson Systems Analyst
  • "You can't learn how to pick up women from some iPhone application. You learn how to pick up women from my two-day seminar this weekend at the Airport Sheraton."

    Elliott Struble Nutrition Consultant
  • "I knew that a carbonated sugar beverage could make you more athletic, focused, attractive, and carefree, but it can also help you seduce women? Man, I love soda."

    Dan McCaskey Oil Tester

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