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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Consumption Tax Proposed

Last week, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said a consumption tax, such as a national sales tax, could benefit the nation's economy. What do you think?
  • "This tax would unfairly penalize people whose televisions aren't as large as they'd like."

    Timothy Potts Systems Analyst
  • "So, does this mean that, in the future, if I don't want law and order to utterly collapse, I'll have to buy at least five things a day?"

    Lola Stein Drafter
  • "I'd been wondering if my daily ramen-noodles consumption could somehow be turned into a revenue stream for the federal government."

    Jarrod Ray Police Officer
  • "That damn Kerry! Even though he didn't get elected, he's somehow managed to sneak his insidious liberal tax-raising agenda onto us anyway!"

    Connie Crane Dentist
  • "As a man with a massive income that I only spend on necessities, this sounds like an ideal plan."

    Corey Bernard Accountant
  • "We tried an income-based tax for nearly a century and look what it brought us: greater economic stability and government accountability. Clearly, we must explore other options."

    Adrian Sears Short Order Cook

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