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Continuing Clashes In Iraq

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Continuing Clashes In Iraq

In spite of the war's conclusion, U.S. troops continue to engage in deadly skirmishes with Iraqi protesters, killing 16 in one such clash last week. What do you think?
  • "If they don't want to get shot, what are they doing in Iraq?"

    Donald Meijer Architect
  • "I think it's really sad that those Iraqis broke up the Marines' candlelight peace vigil with violence."

    Mo Browning Delivery Driver
  • "I think it's really sad that those Iraqis broke up the Marines' candlelight peace vigil with violence."

    Jill Krenmore Homemaker
  • "Did we tell them the war was over in English? Maybe they just didn't understand."

    Audra Thaler Waitress
  • "Look, nobody said these people would welcome us with open arms. Except Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, Fox News..."

    Ron Mobley Systems Analyst
  • "I don't understand why these wackos won't simply face facts and accept that they're under the control of a foreign superpower's occupational force."

    Scott Watkins Machinist

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