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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.
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Convict Charged In Chandra Levy Murder

An imprisoned Salvadoran laborer has been arrested for the murder of Chandra Levy, the D.C. intern whose disappearance brought down the political career of California congressman Gary Condit. What do you think?
  • “This is a nice consolation prize for Republicans: If they can’t pin the murder on a Democratic congressman, the next best thing is to blame an immigrant.”

    Merri Scholz Systems Analyst
  • “It makes me wonder if my Salvadoran gardener had anything to do with my hydrangeas dying.”

    Donald Natochenny Investment Banker
  • "Great, now how am I supposed to warn my daughters against having affairs with congressmen?"

    Hal Nolet Occupational Therapy Administrator

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