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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Cornell To Install Suicide-Prevention Nets

After 27 such suicides in two decades, Cornell University and the town of Ithaca, NY have agreed to install nets along the sides of five bridges to stop would-be jumpers from leaping to their deaths in the area’s famed gorges. What do you think?

  • “They might also want to change their town slogan to something other than ‘Ithaca: You’ll Never Be Good Enough.’”

    Emmet Dillon Map Clerk
  • “Wouldn’t it just be easier to make everything ground level?"

    Margaret Ontiverous Police Chief
  • “I imagine nets are probably more cost-effective than providing suicidal students with psychiatric care and medicine.”

    Jacques Moscou Hot Metal Mixer Operator

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