Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

Pentagon To Award Medals To Drone Pilots

The Pentagon announced the creation of a noncombat award for pilots of drone aircraft and cyber warfare specialists, drawing ire from veterans’ groups, as the new honor would rank higher than the Purple Heart and Bronze Star for distinguished battle...

Highlights From Michael Jordan's Personal Life

With Michael Jordan turning 50 on February 17, Onion Sports examines the greatest moments from the former NBA superstar’s private life.  1969: Upon witnessing a group of neighborhood kids play a pickup basketball game, a 6-year-o...
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Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke

A coroner in New Zealand has ruled that a 30-year-old woman’s death by cardiac arrest in 2010 was caused by her daily consumption of at least 10 liters of Coke, a claim that The Coca-Cola Company has strongly denied. What do you think?

  • “You just know health freaks are going to be out there saying you shouldn’t drink 10 liters of Coke a day now.”

    Michael McBee
    Pump Mechanic
  • “I don’t understand why Coca-Cola won’t just admit that its product kills people.”

    Joey Finley
    Calculation Reviewer
  • “If she had only drank 10 liters of Diet Coke a day instead.”

    Maritza Rivera
    Elevator Operator
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