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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Coroner: Woman Died From Drinking Too Much Coke

A coroner in New Zealand has ruled that a 30-year-old woman’s death by cardiac arrest in 2010 was caused by her daily consumption of at least 10 liters of Coke, a claim that The Coca-Cola Company has strongly denied. What do you think?

  • “You just know health freaks are going to be out there saying you shouldn’t drink 10 liters of Coke a day now.”

    Michael McBee Pump Mechanic
  • “I don’t understand why Coca-Cola won’t just admit that its product kills people.”

    Joey Finley Calculation Reviewer
  • “If she had only drank 10 liters of Diet Coke a day instead.”

    Maritza Rivera Elevator Operator
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