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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘Cosmo’ Finally Features Sex Tips For Lesbians

After years of publishing sex tips and guides intended for heterosexual women, Cosmopolitan magazine has published its first-ever sex guide for lesbians, “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” What do you think?

  • “A year ago I would’ve said no way, but now, I think society is finally ready to see sanitized, awkwardly captioned depictions of lesbianism.”

    Duncan Verlin Paper Plate Separator
  • “I hope they’re ready to deal with anger from conservatives who favor a more traditional definition of mind-blowing sex positions.”

    Christina Savini Audience Coordinator
  • “Lesbians must be ecstatic that they can finally start having sex correctly.”

    Anthony Romero Flag Folder

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