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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘Cosmo’ Finally Features Sex Tips For Lesbians

After years of publishing sex tips and guides intended for heterosexual women, Cosmopolitan magazine has published its first-ever sex guide for lesbians, “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” What do you think?

  • “A year ago I would’ve said no way, but now, I think society is finally ready to see sanitized, awkwardly captioned depictions of lesbianism.”

    Duncan Verlin Paper Plate Separator
  • “I hope they’re ready to deal with anger from conservatives who favor a more traditional definition of mind-blowing sex positions.”

    Christina Savini Audience Coordinator
  • “Lesbians must be ecstatic that they can finally start having sex correctly.”

    Anthony Romero Flag Folder

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