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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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‘Cosmo’ Finally Features Sex Tips For Lesbians

After years of publishing sex tips and guides intended for heterosexual women, Cosmopolitan magazine has published its first-ever sex guide for lesbians, “28 Mind-Blowing Lesbian Sex Positions.” What do you think?

  • “A year ago I would’ve said no way, but now, I think society is finally ready to see sanitized, awkwardly captioned depictions of lesbianism.”

    Duncan Verlin Paper Plate Separator
  • “I hope they’re ready to deal with anger from conservatives who favor a more traditional definition of mind-blowing sex positions.”

    Christina Savini Audience Coordinator
  • “Lesbians must be ecstatic that they can finally start having sex correctly.”

    Anthony Romero Flag Folder
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