After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Cost To Raise Child Exceeds $200,000

According to a report from the United States Department of Agriculture, it will cost a total of $221,190 to raise a child born in 2008. What do you think?
  • "Yeah, sure, but only if you plan on being a good parent."

    Dan Triphan Dock Hand
  • "Sixty thousand of that alone is for boxed juice."

    Jim Quansah Fan Balancer
  • "I've figured out it’s much more economical to shuffle them off to some adoptive family and then reenter their lives a few years before I’ll need home care."

    Susie Wise Radiation Monitor

After Birth

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