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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf

A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?

  • "The centrifuge enters the water, charms the oil into falling in love with it, then takes it out of that small-town ocean."

    Pete Gunn Systems Analyst
  • "That really beats the pants off Randy Quaid and his 4-gallon-a-minute centrifuge."

    Laura Sanford Landscaper
  • "It’s the least he can do considering Swing Vote was a major reason my last shrimp farm went belly-up. Long story."

    Pete Sanford Registered Nurse

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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