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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Costner Tests Water-Cleaning Device In Gulf

A new kind of centrifuge that may be able to remove oil from water at rates of up to 200 gallons per minute has been financed by actor Kevin Costner and will be tested in an effort to clean up the BP oil spill. What do you think?

  • "The centrifuge enters the water, charms the oil into falling in love with it, then takes it out of that small-town ocean."

    Pete Gunn Systems Analyst
  • "That really beats the pants off Randy Quaid and his 4-gallon-a-minute centrifuge."

    Laura Sanford Landscaper
  • "It’s the least he can do considering Swing Vote was a major reason my last shrimp farm went belly-up. Long story."

    Pete Sanford Registered Nurse
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