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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Couple In Fed Standoff

Claiming that there is no law requiring them to pay taxes, well-armed New Hampshire couple Ed and Elaine Brown have vowed to die rather than surrender to a prison term. What do you think?
  • "Wow. I wish I felt that strongly. About anything."

    Penny Insbrook Systems Analyst
  • "Taxed labor is just a form of slavery where you work whenever you want at whatever you want to do."

    Rod Warren Drill Press Operator
  • "This standoff would all be worth it if, when Ed Brown was asked for his 1099, he replied 'Here's my 1099,' and then drew a gun."

    Matt McKee Llama Farmer

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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