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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Couple Puts Abortion Option To Online Vote

After holding a vote on their website to determine whether or not they would obtain an abortion, Pete and Alisha Arnold of Apple Valley, MN will be carrying their zygote to term. What do you think?

  • "We may have lost this round, but we'll see if this kid still manages to survive when we vote again four years from now."

    Byron Tellier-Craig Crucible Pourer
  • "How else would you decide on an abortion? Trust and open communication? What is this, the ’40s?"

    Laura Walker Training Specialist
  • "If you can't decide whether or not to have a baby, there's only one choice: have it but raise it as if you didn't want to have it. That's called compromise."

    Quentin Littlefair Unemployed
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