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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Couple Puts Abortion Option To Online Vote

After holding a vote on their website to determine whether or not they would obtain an abortion, Pete and Alisha Arnold of Apple Valley, MN will be carrying their zygote to term. What do you think?

  • "We may have lost this round, but we'll see if this kid still manages to survive when we vote again four years from now."

    Byron Tellier-Craig Crucible Pourer
  • "How else would you decide on an abortion? Trust and open communication? What is this, the ’40s?"

    Laura Walker Training Specialist
  • "If you can't decide whether or not to have a baby, there's only one choice: have it but raise it as if you didn't want to have it. That's called compromise."

    Quentin Littlefair Unemployed

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