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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Couples Battling For Trendy 12/13/14 Wedding Date

In the latest instance of couples clamoring for a trendy wedding date, a new poll by David’s Bridal has revealed that more than 20,000 couples are competing to get married on 12/13/14, leading many venues to raise prices due to demand. What do you think?

  • “It may be a lot more work, but getting married on a sequential date is the kind of thing you’ll talk about for the rest of your lives.”

    Samantha Bartlett Yard Sale Consultant
  • “My friends are going to be so jealous until they think about it a little longer.”

    Kayla Gondry Urban Farmer
  • “You can’t put a price on novelty.”

    Michael Stamper Tech Desk Manager

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