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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Couric's Ratings Woes

Eight months after Katie Couric took over as anchor, The CBS Evening News is a distant third in the nightly news ratings, and last week recorded its lowest audience in 20 years. What do you think?
  • "This is why you should never hire a woman, or anyone even remotely sane, to do Dan Rather's job."

    Emil Brun Day Laborer
  • "How can she compete against cable news? They get to use the C-word."

    Mila Kreszpy Recordkeeper
  • "I warned her. I said 'It's not like Today, Katie. You've got to know how to read,' but she wouldn't listen."

    Matt Gander Systems Analyst
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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