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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Court Awards $8K To Man Stuck On Disneyland Ride

A court awarded a paralyzed man $8,000 for the inconvenience he suffered while trapped for over 30 minutes on the “It’s A Small World” ride at Disneyland in 2009, during which time he was forced to listen to the ride’s iconic theme song on repeat. What do you think?

  • “This story reminds me of when I went to Disney World and had a really great time.”

    Barbara Anne Burke Sausage Linker
  • “That song may be annoying, but it has a good message. Mainly about how small the world is after all.”

    Mitch Redbourn Moisture Tester
  • “I’m surprised Disney’s ass wasn’t covered by the ‘God abandons all ye who enter here’ sign they post out front of that ride.”

    Yancy Crutcher Appliance Installer

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