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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Court: Employers Don't Have To Enforce Lunch Break

The California Supreme Court ruled that employers were under no obligation to ensure workers take their legally mandated lunch breaks. What do you think?

  • "Not in my store. I look over my employees with an eagle eye to make sure they're resting."

    Andrew Baker Systems Analyst
  • "Fine by me. I prefer to heat up my salmon steak on the Foreman grill and eat it while I work anyway."

    Claire Nelson Tube Sorter
  • "What did the court say about drinking under your desk?"

    Sean Baynes Accountant
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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