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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Court Rules Against Warrantless Wiretapping

A federal judge in Detroit ordered a halt to warrantless wiretapping. What do you think?
  • "Great—now we're going to have out-of-work surveillance experts flooding the job market. There go my chances at Radio Shack."

    Lloyd Greer Unemployed
  • "Damn activist judges. Who are they to check the powers of another branch of government?"

    Mary Bedford Systems Analyst
  • "What about the presidential right to the element of surprise? Isn't that guaranteed by the Constitution?"

    Michael Nostrand Spice Salesperson

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